Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun
by snowglobe3
Summary: A fem!yuuri take on the celebrations after Yuuri's disappointing skating performance at the Grand Prix Final.
1. Chapter 1

Yuuri hung her head in shame as she sat in the bathroom stall, wondering where she had gone wrong. She had rehearsed that program endlessly, and while she knew that landing those quads would be a stretch for her, she knew that things would have looked suspicious without them. After, that's what all the guys were doing, and she desperately needed to seem just like your average male figure skater. It was pretty clear that she was beginning to fall behind even though she had finally advanced so far in competition.

It had been a spur of the moment decision when she was younger, but once she had started, Yuuri couldn't resist the thrill of the deception and the different kind of competition that came with it. Female figure skating was a really catty world. The emphasis on beauty and makeup and costumes and grace was as much a part of competition as the skating was. Yuuri appreciated a good costume or routine like anyone else would, but the stress of all of the extra stuff on top of skating made her more nervous than usual. It might be hard to believe with her most recent performance, but she actually felt less nervous and performed better while pretending to be a guy.

She reached into her bag and pulled out her clothes, putting on some slightly more feminine stuff and sliding on a different pair of glasses than she normally wore while she was being Yuuri the boy. With more feminine clothing and different glasses, nobody had recognized her yet. She put her pass in her bag so that she wouldn't be identified as someone she shouldn't be, and got ready for her escape from the men's room. It would be tricky if she ran into someone on her way out.

Unfortunately, that was exactly what happened. She ran smack into an angry blonde blur as she opened the door. Taking advantage of his momentary surprise at a woman walking out of the men's room, she ran by him before he could even get a word out. Yuuri scurried to the side door and made her escape into the streets. She definitely needed to escape from all of the sneers and dismissed looks that she was receiving as a result of her poor performance. Yuuri was going to need to have her wits about her at the celebration later tonight.

She managed to get into her hotel room without anyone so much as looking her way, and she swiftly locked the door behind her, leaning against it for a moment. She enjoyed the feeling of safety and calm that she got from shutting the world out.

But she couldn't shut the world out for long; her phone soon buzzed with a new message. She sighed as she grabbed it from her jacket pocket; it was probably Phichit again. She opened his message to see one of his trademark selfies. He was wondering how she was holding up after today's loss. She tried to put on a smile as she sent a picture back to him, but she knew that he would see through it. They knew each other very well; Phichit was the only one who knew she was a girl. That charade had been over pretty quickly when they were assigned to be roommates, but he had sworn not to tell anybody else, and Yuuri trusted him implicitly.

Texting with Phichit was a nice distraction, but eventually even that started to make her feel a little bit like she was under attack. Sending a quick goodbye, she went into the bathroom and began to run a bath. Hopefully that would loosen up her muscles, and a little bit of time to herself could help her feel better. She tugged off her clothes, almost falling into the tub as her sweatpants caught on her ankle. It was nice to surround herself in the warmth and comfort of the bath.

The water began to grow cool, but Yuuri didn't get out of the bathtub until her teeth started chattering. Reluctantly she started to towel off, pulling out the suit from the closet and putting her other pair of glasses back on. Glancing at the clock, she combed her hair and begrudgingly put on her formal attire. The banquet was happening in the ballroom of a nicer hotel, so she hailed a cab and was on her way.

An unfortunate amount of traffic meant that Yuuri was fifteen minutes late by the time she actually arrived. Feeling very awkward, she stepped into the lobby and was glad to see a small crowd of other skaters and coaches and officials still gathered there. She didn't know what she would have done if everyone was waiting in the ballroom for the ceremonies to start. She tried her best to lose herself and blend into the crowd.

Her anonymity disappeared when they were ushered to their seats. She simultaneous near-hyperventilated and tried to scream when she saw where she was seated, which resulted in no noise because of her lack of air but a curiously red color on her face. For the love of all that was holy! Why couldn't she seem to catch a break?

Yuuri was seated in between Christophe, who had made her feel uncomfortable during the whole event because of his complete disregard for personal space, and her idol, Victor Nikiforov. As she settled into her seat, she became intensely aware of Chris (as he oh-so-smoothly asked her to call him) and his creepy stare. Victor didn't really do anything particularly notable. A point in his favor, then, to go with her yearslong hero-worship. She was actually sitting next to Victor!

The ceremony passed quickly enough for Yuuri, because she began to do what she knew she shouldn't: to drink. But her nerves were just too much for her; how could she be expected to deal with the discomfort that she was experiencing, between Chris's totally inappropriate behavior and just Victor's mere presence?

Over the years, Yuuri had learned that she could have about three drinks before she started to get a little bit tipsy. She had passed that mark by the end of the official proceedings, clinging to her glass of champagne like a lifeline. The waiters kept refilling it before she could tell them to stop, and she really didn't want to make a scene about it.

She couldn't quite remember how it happened, but Chris had grabbed her hand and pulled her over to the dance floor, and she was actually agreeing to it (showing her lack of sobriety). He began jokingly swiveling around a pole, and the crowd milling about the dance floor hooted and cheered. Yuuri watched, laughing, before her brain had the brilliant idea to join in. She almost didn't feel like it was actually happening as she whipped off her blazer and loosened her tie before shoving Chris off of the pole. There were some frenzied whispers that turned into excited claps as she began.

Now, despite her timid and easily embarrassed nature, there was a reason that Yuuri knew her limit of alcohol: Minako. The first few times Minako had gotten her drunk were hazy in Yuuri's memory, but there was a reason that she was working the pole like a pro. The crowd grew the longer she was on the pole, but her alcohol-induced euphoria prevented her from feeling any shame. She stepped down when Chris approached again, this time without anything but his boxer briefs. She grabbed her jacket and tried her best to escape through the dense crowd. If she kept going, she might become stupid enough to try stripping a little more, and that would definitely ruin her secret.

Distracted by her surprisingly lucid drunken thought, Yuuri didn't even notice that there were other people around her until she slammed into a very muscular chest. She looked up into the very blue eyes of Victor.

He smiled at her and she melted.

"Nice moves out there. Yuuri, wasn't it?"

She nodded at him.

He walked by her before turning, leaning close to her and whispering into her ear, "I have to wonder where you learned something like that."

Even her drunkenness couldn't distract her from that comment, and her cheeks flushed red. But the final straw was the subtle wink he gave her as he turned to go.

Everything caught up to Yuuri at once, all her emotions and all the alcohol, and she fainted dead away, leaving a very confused Victor to try to catch her falling body.


	2. Chapter 2

Yuuri woke slowly, with a pounding headache and feeling desperately thirsty. She sat up slowly, a little disoriented, grabbing blindly for her glasses on the bedside table. She put them on, but that only served to make her head spin. When she looked down, she realized that she was not wearing her formal clothes anymore, but instead a large and soft t-shirt. Things were not looking good. She couldn't remember anything after running into Victor. Where was she?

She nearly screamed as someone came out of the bathroom, wrapped only in a towel. She couldn't help but let out a little eek! of surprise when she saw that it was a shirtless Victor. He was hotter in person than he was on all of her posters. Yuuri just stopped and stared.

He greeted her surprisingly cheerfully, with a wide smile.

"Good morning, Yuuri!"

She looked at him, not sure how to ask what she really needed to know. He seemed to understand her confusion, and smiled encouragingly.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about your gender issues!"

She stared back, a little shocked that he was being so blunt.

"Wait, it doesn't bother you?" she blurted out.

Victor looked at her oddly.

"Why would it? You are a talented skater, no?"

Yuuri looked at him in disbelief. How could he be so calm about all of this? One person did not deserve to have everything going for him: skating skills, empathy, and he was somehow still peppy after last night. He had had far more to drink than she did. How could he seem not to feel the effects? Still, she really just needed to know if she had… done anything she couldn't remember and might regret later. There was an awkwardly long pause while she gathered up her courage.

"Um… why am I wearing your clothes?"

Victor looked at her and laughed a little bit.

"Obviously you couldn't sleep in a suit. After you passed out, I figured it was the right thing to do."

Yuuri wasn't really sure how to react to all of this. She didn't have any experience leaving after spending the night with someone (not that she had actually "spent the night" with Victor), and wasn't really sure what to do because Victor hadn't been anything but a gentleman. This would be a whole lot easier if he had done something wrong so she could slip away without issue.

In a move well-used by antisocial people everywhere, she casually nodded before picking up her phone and checking her messages. She was unsurprised to see several from Phichit. She had to scroll to get to the top of them, but she grew more and more embarrassed as she read through. He had sent her links and photos from some of the biggest news sites on the web, all buzzing about her, well… "inspiring performance," was probably the most G-rated way that they put it.

She clicked on one of the video clips, praying that this was just part of some messed-up dream, and that she would wake up in her hotel room alone. But the video kept playing and Yuuri couldn't look away from the spectacle that she was making of herself. Maybe it was better to have everyone talking about her pole performance instead of her poor skating performance, but Yuuri really wasn't sure which would be more embarrassing. When the video was finally, blissfully over, she returned to the rest of her messages. Phichit was worried that she hadn't been responding.

Smiling, she extended her phone and snapped a photo before sending it to him.

"I'm all set. Sorry I didn't reply sooner."

Her friend's reply was almost instantaneous.

"YOU HOOKED UP WITH VICTOR?"

Yuuri took a good look at the photo she had quickly sent, and noticed that Victor had popped into the frame while she was taking it. A shirtless Victor. In the background while she sat on a bed. Wearing clothes that were clearly not hers.

Yuuri rushed to do damage control but Phichit didn't seem to respond. The two of them both had idolized Victor (and, she admitted, still did). Phichit was the only person she knew with a collection of memorabilia that could rival her own. He'd get over it soon enough. It wasn't as if anything had actually happened between her and Victor. Not that she would've minded...

Banishing those thoughts, she got up from the bed and walked over to where her suit was laid out on the chair, picking it up and pausing, remembering Victor's presence before awkwardly heading into the bathroom. She dressed quickly before self-consciously trying to use some water to do something to fix her hair, before looking in the mirror and giving up. She slid her glasses back onto her face, and walked back into the room.

Yuuri was almost a little disappointed to find that Victor had gotten dressed while she did. She wasn't quite sure how to exit this situation, but made her way to the door, feeling very self-conscious. She cleared her throat a little bit.

"I'll just call a cab then?" she volunteered.

Victor looked confused.

"Wait, you mean that you are not staying at this hotel? I thought that all the skaters were since the event was being held here."

She gave him a flat look.

"Not all of the skaters are international superstars with multiple sponsorships either. This place is a five-star hotel. Costs way too much for an average person."

Victor looked pensive, turning to look at the rest of the room. Yuuri used this time to escape into the hallway, escaping into the elevator. She got a few odd looks as she ran through the lobby in a rumpled suit at 10 am, but she was able to hail a cab right outside the doors and avoid the scrutiny. She scrambled inside, eager to leave that night behind her. Just maybe not the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

Even once she returned to Detroit, Yuuri was a wreck. She couldn't stop replaying the moments she remembered between her and Victor, stuck between analyzing her awkward behavior on a loop and rehashing Victor in all his half-naked glory. And things still weren't great between her and Phichit. Her roommate had begun to talk to her again, but he seemed closed off. This was a shame, because now more than ever, Yuuri needed someone to confide in.

Celestino seemed to notice that something was off and began to switch things up in practice, focusing more on basic technique instead of the jumps that Yuuri knew he was itching to correct after her mistakes at the final. He'd done this in the past when she seemed emotionally frazzled and he thought that he needed to build up her confidence. It bothered her how true this was, but she appreciated the thought. Honestly, it was times like these that she wondered how Celestino didn't seem to realize that she was a girl. How could he be so perceptive and yet so ignorant at the same time?

She retreated further into herself the more her coach kept trying to bring up the idea of next year. Yuuri didn't want to discuss possible themes for next year, but that didn't stop him from suggesting a few every day, some joking, and some actually worth consideration.

It was the end of practice, and as Yuuri turned to head out the door, her coach shouted out a few more suggestions.

"Selflessness? Togetherness? Strength?"

Yuuri latched onto the second one. She had been feeling so lonely lately. When was the last time that she really felt like she belonged somewhere?

Her mind traveled back to her last family dinner, just enjoying katsudon with her parents and sister. Was it really four years ago now? She hadn't really kept in touch as well as she should have, and she admitted that part of the reason was her need to hide her true gender in order to keep competing. She couldn't tell her parents to watch her on television, and she had tried her best since high school not to let on that she was still skating at all. They thought that she was simply in Detroit for college. Admittedly, this whole deception was made far easier by the fact that her family was so technologically illiterate, but Yuuri felt a surge of guilt followed by a surge of purpose. She knew what she was going to do next!

She ran and hugged Celestino, excitedly thanking him in a flurry of words that she was pretty sure weren't actually intelligible, before she ran out the door, eager to get packing. She was going to head home to Hasetsu and then see where that took her. It would be the perfect way to get out of her slump and come back refreshed and ready to try again!

Back at her room, Yuuri went online and booked a ticket to Japan for the next day before hurrying to pack up all the things she would need. Skates, skating clothes, check. Normal clothing? Yuuri realized that she had very little female clothing, but she chucked it all into her bag before throwing some of her day-to-day stuff on top. Her parents probably wouldn't ask questions anyways, and she still had some of her old, girly stuff back at home, unless her parents had cleared out her room. She threw in some toiletries and zipped up her suitcase. Looking at the time on her phone, she realized that it was the middle of the night back home. She'd call later, then.

Phichit looked surprised to see her so happy when she emerged from her room, and he raised a questioning eyebrow. She grinned.

"I'm going home!"

The next day, Yuuri was a bundle of nerves. She called the inn, only for Mari to pick up.

"Hello, this is Yu-topia Katsuki, Hasetsu. How can I help you?"

"Mari? It's me, Yuuri."

There was silence on the other end, and Yuuri wasn't quite sure what to say. Mari quickly began to scream at her and though Yuuri only caught parts of it, she got the general message: Why the hell haven't you called home sooner? Yuuri spent a minute on a rambling apology before she remembered to tell her sister than not only was she calling home, but she was coming home. Her sister couldn't pretend to be angry with her anymore, and quickly put her mother on the line. Her parents were so excited that Yuuri was finally calling them again, and even coming home! Though she was so happy in the moment, it made her feel immensely guilty. She hadn't even really given much thought to any of them while she had been caught up in her skating career, which was unfair because they had been the ones who got her started. Her mom, dad, Mari, and even Vicchan (how could she have forgotten about Vicchan?).

Yuuri went to sleep uneasily that night, kept awake by the heady cocktail of guilty and excitement that pooled in the pit of her stomach.

Her alarm clock came all too soon the next morning, and Yuuri consoled herself with the idea that she could sleep on the airplane. She got dressed in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, putting on her girly glasses and a headband and hoping that nobody would ask any questions as she went back to Japan, where people might be more likely to put a face to her name. And that would be doubly true in Hasetsu; what if people had figured it all out? There was a reason that she had avoided returning for a while, after all.

She had a lot of time to think over the results of her choice while she waited in line for luggage check and then security, but not a lot of time at all before boarding when she finally made it to the other side. She arrived at the gate as boarding was starting, but that wasn't a huge issue because it wasn't as if she was flying business class. She sat down in her middle seat in the middle of the plane and buckled her seatbelt when she was told. Japan (and Hasetsu!), watch out; Katsuki Yuuri was back, for better or for worse.


	4. Chapter 4

Yuuri was always surprised at how tired she could feel after resting for so long. Granted, her seat wasn't exactly comfortable and she had been sitting for hours, but she felt utterly exhausted. It probably was because the sleep she had managed to get was fitful at best. She had felt drowsy, but the noise of the engine combined with randomly screaming babies had meant that she had only napped in 15-minute bursts. She would wake up feeling disoriented and somehow more tired than she had before. Yuuri was not a big fan of airplanes. Her lack of sleep make her feel very cranky indeed while she waited for the plane to unload. The line at passport control stretched on, even though she had a Japanese passport. She didn't envy the throngs of people assembled in the international lines.

She waited for her luggage to appear on the baggage carousel before going out front and getting a cab to take her to the train station. She decided that she should give her family a call to tell them that she landed safely, but nobody picked up the phone. Yuuri left a message for them anyways; she knew that her mother might start to worry otherwise. The gentle rumble of the train on the tracks was familiar, and Yuuri was easily pulled back into her dreams. She slept almost all the way back home, which was saying something, because the ride to Kyushu wasn't a short one by any stretch of the imagination. Yuuri lost track of what time it was supposed to be here in Japan and gave into her body's instinct to sleep.

She startled awake as the train began to slow.

Her reunion with her parents had been bittersweet. She couldn't help but cry when she finally hugged her mom and dad. It really had been too long since she last came home. The conversation about what she had been up to lately became a little strained as Yuuri wasn't quite sure how to hide her skating. She settled for saying that she had joined the skating club at school, and then went on about some of the classes she was taking as part of her dance major. It was hard to avoid talking about things that could give her game away; Phichit, for example. If her parents learned that she was rooming with a boy, they might find out that Yuuri Katsuki was known as a male dancer and skater at school. And that certainly wouldn't help anyone.

Her tears of happiness had turned to tears of sadness when she learned of what had happened to her beloved Vicchan. A large part of her excitement had been reserved for being reunited with her dog again, and she felt awful that she had missed the event. Her parents said that they had tried to call her, but couldn't reach her. It had been during the Grand Prix Finals, she realized. Yuuri's guilt intensified.

Falling back on her old habits, Yuuri went to go hide in her room and unpacked as fast as she could, groaning a little when she saw the wealth of posters of Victor that plastered her walls. Her shrine to Victor served to remind her of her poor skating performance and also her embarrassing (and impromptu) dancing. Face flushed, Yuuri grabbed her skates and made the trip down to Ice Castle Hasetsu.

She walked up to the desk, not particularly surprised to see her old friend Yuuko behind it. Her friend had married Takeshi a few years ago, and Takeshi's family had passed more responsibilities with the rink on to the pair of them. Yuuri smiled warmly and greeted her.

"Yuuko! It's me, Yuuri!"

Her friend looked up and gasped before leaving the counter behind to embrace her friend. Yuuri was thrown off-balance by her friend's energy. She didn't let go of her friend for a while; it had been hard for her to leave behind her first friends, and Yuuri had missed Yuuko endlessly during the first month of school. When they pulled apart, Yuuri held up the bag that held her skates.

"Would you mind if I skate a little bit? For old time's sake? I have something that I want to show you."

Yuuko didn't seem to mind at all, and followed behind Yuuri as she entered the rink. Yuuri laced up her skates before stepping onto the ice. She felt a little embarrassed as Yuuko watched her warm up, but she soon went over to her friend and handed over her phone.

"Play Stammi Vicino?" she asked, and Yuuko clapped her hands. Both friends clearly were not quite yet over their obsession with Victor. Privately, Yuuri wasn't really sure if she ever would be.

Yuuri glided over to the center of the ice and assumed her starting position. The familiar melody of Victor's free skate for this season started to play, but this version was a little bit different. Yuuri had come across a duet version when she was searching for the song online, and had bought it on an impulse. Something about it made the program seem more real to her- it was absolutely gorgeous. She let the beautiful melody flow through her body, putting all of her focus onto her steps and spins. Yuuri took the jumps as they came but didn't try to push anything- she was absolutely shocked when she landed one of the quads, not cleanly, but with enough skill to continue the routine. The routine passed in a blur, one that Yuuri snapped out of when Yuuko started to clap, filling the sudden silence.

"Yuuri, that was beautiful! I didn't realize that you were still skating! That was absolutely amazing."

The two friends hugged again, but Yuuri pulled away when she was startled by the appearance of three identical and widely smiling faces.

"Hey, I've heard about you guys, but I haven't seen pictures since you were born. Axel, Lutz, and Loop, right?"

The three girls nodded in unison. Yuuri returned to her conversation with Yuuko, the two adults totally missing the frenzied activity happening behind them.

Back at the inn, Yuuri relaxed in the onsen for the first time in years, enjoying the relief that it brought to her aching muscles. She had missed this all so much; why had it taken her so long to come back? She got dressed and came back into the kitchen, excited when she recognized what dish her mother was preparing; katsudon, her favorite! Yuuri wasn't sure how long she could wait to eat, but a few minutes later her father and Mari materialized and the pork was finally cooked. They sat down and Yuuri joyfully dug into her bowl.

She felt her eyes getting a little watery (to her embarrassment), but her family didn't say anything about it, which she was grateful for. The sheer love she felt in this moment made her feel whole again. Yuuri smiled; she was right to have come back home. This might be just what she needed to get her ready to return. Because coming home had reminded her of something: she was a Katsuki, and Katsukis didn't just give up.


End file.
